Release the Reins

6 Jun

I am just not 19 anymore…

The first time I went through college I worked my hind quarters off, non-stop. I paid for it too. Stress was the name of the game.

I cried today.

We took two quizzes in class today… on Ch 2 I got a 100%… Ch 3 10%. Slight difference… I literally had no clue what I was doing.

Then there was drama with getting the change machine to take my dollar bill, so I could make copies of the practice tests. The sweetest young guy saved the day.

I managed to make it outside of the building before the tears began to flow.

In the grand scheme of life… Chemistry is not worth my tears.  I know good and well that I am working my tail off for this class. Hours upon hours upon hours. The reality is that I may have to retake the class during a full semester, when I have more time to grasp and practice concepts. For now, I will do my best and learn what I can.  Of course, retaking the class is not my first choice, but this is life and it does not always work out like we plan.

I was thinking the other day about the timeline that I have set for the next couple years.  I was ready to turn down a job opportunity without even truly considering it, because I had a plan. I had a timeline. I had it all worked out.

The Lord, quickened my spirit and said, “Since when are we in such a hurry?” That stopped right where I sat.  My heart was moved toward repentance, and I realized that, once again, I had removed the reins of my life from God’s hands and I was holding onto them for dear life.

Now, I am ready to admit that I am uncertain of the timeline and more importantly that I am not in control of the timeline.

In the mean time, I am unwilling to get stressed out. I am unwilling to skip workouts. I am unwilling to alienate my family and friends. I am unwilling to lose sleep.

I am willing to work hard and best use my waking hours. I am willing to ask God desperately for the help that only He can give.

I will be honest… I thought about dropping the class altogether. I do not like to be met head on with a challenge that makes me feel inadequate. Life is about facing and conquering challenges. There is no reason to throw in the towel (at least, not yet).

So, I push forward. I will continue balancing equations and fumbling through the book looking for an example that has something to do with what I am trying to do. I very well may BOMB the test I have in the morning.  I will know for certain that I studied, I tried… and that is literally all that I could do.

This is hard for me. But that’s ok.

In the mean time, feel free to pray…

By the way, one of the biggest challenges of the last week has been cravings for sweet and salty… stress will do that. Sometimes I win, and other times I don’t.  I have eaten tortilla chips and salsa, lots of fruit, and even made some brownies from black beans (no sugar, but they do have maple syrup).

Oh humanity… At least I am in good company.


2 Responses to “Release the Reins”

  1. Jen June 9, 2011 at 9:39 pm #

    oh yes, we all have that breaking point! Try to take sometime for yourself this weekend~do something to pamper yourself 🙂

    • weightsandmeasures June 10, 2011 at 9:13 pm #

      I may have given myself too much time this weekend! A hike, a dinner out, swimming, and a movie all on Friday.

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