Familiar

4 Sep

Every time I take a night off from blogging I think, “What if they all forget about me because I did not post tonight?  What if they assume I just died and never come back to read again?  What if they think I am a flake and that they can’t count on me, so it’s not even worth reading?”

Then I remember that people probably did not even notice that I took a night off.  I’m not saying that people don’t care, just that it is not THAT big of a deal!  I enjoyed my Saturday of no blogging. It always makes me look forward to writing again!  I love blogging.  I love living more. 🙂

As usual, Saturday = long run

I generally sleep at Chrisina’s house if I am going to run or bike in the morning, but I decided to stay home on Friday night.

Little did I know that I would be awoken an hour after I went to sleep and that I would not be able to fall back asleep for 2 hours.  That sounds a little familiar. I run better if I sleep well, and I did not sleep well.

When I started my run I immediately felt that something was off.  My feet felt heavy.  I did not have to reign myself in from taking off too fast.  I had 0 energy.

I made it through the first 2.5 miles of dragging myself along when a major case of stomach cramps hit.  I felt like my stomach was in a knot. That sounds a little familiar.

It immediately occurred to me that I did try eating something new before I ran… mistake.

I started to throw a little tantrum in my head… what a waste of a beautiful morning!

Then I remembered that I forgot my phone at home, so I was going to have to suck it up, because I was 3 miles from home. There was no way to call anyone. I  had to get back, and I had to do it myself.

So, I ran when I could and I walked when I could run no longer.  I finished the 6 mile loop. I literally had no choice.

Since my run had already been shot, I tried to make use of the time and quiet by doing some thinking.

I was looking through some photos the other night on Facebook of myself from 2010

My first 5k in February 2010. I walked the entire race, and felt like I'd been hit by a truck after.

3 Weeks in Europe in July. Very tired feet all of the time.

Trip to Lubbock in September.  

I could not help but feel shocked as I looked at the pictures.  I had 0 perspective of my actual size when I was 215 pounds.  I had 0 perspective of what that weight did to my self esteem and wellbeing – emotional, physical, social.

As I viewed the pictures I experienced a lot of varied emotions… sadness, regret, pride, embarrassment…

And I realized, I needed to forgive myself.

For missed opportunities. For wasted time.  For poor decisions.

I realized how much disappointment I felt toward myself for allowing myself to be overweight and stay overweight for so long.

The picture from Lubbock was taken only a week before I returned to Nebraska and changed EVERYTHING about the way I eat.

Today I am the same person, but I live in a totally new way.

I walk run in a new way.  I speak in a new way.  I think in a new way.  I cook in a new way.  I approach life in a new way.

One year later. Now, that is better...

Not for a single second would I tell you that it has been easy.

But, I would tell you all day, every day, that it has been worth it.

 I can continue to change… and change is worth the effort.

I genuinely believe that you, too, can change your life.

That is an idea that I want to become very familiar.

So, as I ran.  I began to forgive myself.  I can do nothing about the past. I choose how I will live today.  And though my run wasn’t that great, I can say it was still productive. I made progress, in a very worthy way.

 

Change is not immediate, it is the sum total of many decisions made over time.  

 

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4 Responses to “Familiar”

  1. Trish September 4, 2011 at 8:37 pm #

    I love reading your blogs!!!!!

  2. Clare @ Fitting It All In September 5, 2011 at 6:32 pm #

    you really are a great writer!!

    • weightsandmeasures September 5, 2011 at 6:47 pm #

      Wow! Thank you! I have always enjoyed writing. I am glad that I worked up the nerve to begin to do it for others, instead of just in journals.

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