Every time I take a night off from blogging I think, “What if they all forget about me because I did not post tonight? What if they assume I just died and never come back to read again? What if they think I am a flake and that they can’t count on me, so it’s not even worth reading?”
Then I remember that people probably did not even notice that I took a night off. I’m not saying that people don’t care, just that it is not THAT big of a deal! I enjoyed my Saturday of no blogging. It always makes me look forward to writing again! I love blogging. I love living more. 🙂
As usual, Saturday = long run
I generally sleep at Chrisina’s house if I am going to run or bike in the morning, but I decided to stay home on Friday night.
Little did I know that I would be awoken an hour after I went to sleep and that I would not be able to fall back asleep for 2 hours. That sounds a little familiar. I run better if I sleep well, and I did not sleep well.
When I started my run I immediately felt that something was off. My feet felt heavy. I did not have to reign myself in from taking off too fast. I had 0 energy.
I made it through the first 2.5 miles of dragging myself along when a major case of stomach cramps hit. I felt like my stomach was in a knot. That sounds a little familiar.
It immediately occurred to me that I did try eating something new before I ran… mistake.
I started to throw a little tantrum in my head… what a waste of a beautiful morning!
Then I remembered that I forgot my phone at home, so I was going to have to suck it up, because I was 3 miles from home. There was no way to call anyone. I had to get back, and I had to do it myself.
So, I ran when I could and I walked when I could run no longer. I finished the 6 mile loop. I literally had no choice.
Since my run had already been shot, I tried to make use of the time and quiet by doing some thinking.
I was looking through some photos the other night on Facebook of myself from 2010
My first 5k in February 2010. I walked the entire race, and felt like I'd been hit by a truck after.
3 Weeks in Europe in July. Very tired feet all of the time.
- Trip to Lubbock in September.
I could not help but feel shocked as I looked at the pictures. I had 0 perspective of my actual size when I was 215 pounds. I had 0 perspective of what that weight did to my self esteem and wellbeing – emotional, physical, social.
As I viewed the pictures I experienced a lot of varied emotions… sadness, regret, pride, embarrassment…
And I realized, I needed to forgive myself.
For missed opportunities. For wasted time. For poor decisions.
I realized how much disappointment I felt toward myself for allowing myself to be overweight and stay overweight for so long.
The picture from Lubbock was taken only a week before I returned to Nebraska and changed EVERYTHING about the way I eat.
Today I am the same person, but I live in a totally new way.
I walk run in a new way. I speak in a new way. I think in a new way. I cook in a new way. I approach life in a new way.
One year later. Now, that is better...
Not for a single second would I tell you that it has been easy.
But, I would tell you all day, every day, that it has been worth it.
I can continue to change… and change is worth the effort.
I genuinely believe that you, too, can change your life.
That is an idea that I want to become very familiar.
So, as I ran. I began to forgive myself. I can do nothing about the past. I choose how I will live today. And though my run wasn’t that great, I can say it was still productive. I made progress, in a very worthy way.
Change is not immediate, it is the sum total of many decisions made over time.
weightsandmeasures 